Dear Donna,
I have had a half a dozen dates with a man I was starting to feel a connection with and I am definitely attracted to him.
On our last date he told me he did not want to invest a lot of time getting to know me if we do not have the same long term goals. He knows his long term goal is to be married and wanted to know if we are on the same page.
I told him I was unsure of my long term goal as far as a relationship is concerned but I am open to the possibility of marriage. I could tell that was not the answer he wanted to hear.
Since that conversation his enthusiasm for me has been much more low key.
He is not texting back or returning calls as quickly as he was and he is not as available to get together.
I really like him but if this is the way he handles a conversation that does not go his way I am unimpressed. Your thoughts? Kimberly
Dear Kimberly,
Talk to him about it the next time you get together in person and try to make that sooner rather than later.
It does not surprise me anymore when people are just beginning to know each other and one of them wants to know where it’s going before it has even had a chance to get started.
Many people do not know if they want to get married until they meet the person they feel they could marry but you cannot know that in a half a dozen dates.
You have already told him you are open to the idea of marriage and it only makes sense that you need to get to know each other better to know if that could be a possibility for the two of you.
I think he has unrealistic expectations if he wants more of a commitment from you at this stage and he may be more interested in getting married than he is in getting to know you.
Here is a simple little formula I encourage my clients to follow to date and have more effective relationships:
1) No sex for the first three months.
Once you are physically involved you are emotionally involved. It takes the focus off the friendship and puts it on the intimacy with someone you barely know. Also, it takes most people about three months to get relaxed enough to be themselves and that is when you start to identify the things that do or don’t work. It is so much easier to part ways if you have not been intimate.
2) Don’t ask yourself where it is going and if this person might have long term potential until you have been together at least six months.
Generally speaking, you don’t have enough information to answer that question until you have dated for about six months.
3) Don’t do anything as serious as getting engaged, moving in together or getting married until you have dated for one year.
People can and do change with the seasons. Someone who works great for you in the summer could be very different in the winter. A year is not a long time to wait if this is someone who think you might spend the rest of your life with.
The clients who follow this little formula are the ones who have success with their relationships and marriages.
Dear Donna,
My girlfriend is wonderful, but she spends a lot of money. I have tried to help by creating a budget for her. While I believe she has the best intentions, it never lasts more than a few weeks.
She is self-supporting but has considerable debt. She doesn’t ask me for money, but I hate to see her living hand-to-mouth when she has a good income.
Do you think our opposite ways of dealing with money will be a showstopper for long-term? Kevin
Dear Kevin,
The good news is that the two of you are aware that you have different financial attitudes. Many people don’t discover this incompatibility until they are in a committed relationship or married.
It certainly can be a showstopper, especially if you plan to comingle funds.
I work with a profile test that defines six areas of compatibility, and finance is one of them. If a couple’s financial scores are too far apart, I generally do not make the match.
Why don’t both of you take my Profile test at www.perfectlymatcheddating.com and I will call you with your “scores”, not only in the area of finance but also in five other major areas of compatibility.
It can be great information for both of you moving forwad.