My first appointment today is a lady, early 40’s, divorced, educated, her long term goal is marriage, and she is open to having a child. She said “I realize my window of opportunity for having a child is getting smaller, but my doctor said I am fit and healthy and certainly able to still have children.” She thought she would be a mother long before now but her ex-husband was unable to have children. She knew and accepted that when they married but, with the opportunity to start over, she thinks it would be wonderful to be a mother….with the right man.
She said “You’re a matchmaker, tell me how you learn to trust again and convince yourself you won’t get hurt? I don’t know how I can ever trust a man again.”
I said “You have to find a way to not make them all guilty by association, and believe there is someone who won’t hurt you.”
She said “I never thought my husband would, but he did. I need to know whoever you introduce me to will never be unfaithful.”
I said “There is no way anyone can KNOW that, at some point you have to trust again, and take the chance.”
She said “I don’t think I can take that chance.”
After some more discussion, and lots of tears, it was apparent to me that she is not yet emotionally available.
I said “If you can’t take a chance and trust someone, how are you ever going to fall in love?”
I am no counselor, but after hearing her story, I think she is still in love with her ex-husband and, according to her, he did everything he could to keep the marriage together. I don’t think cheating on your spouse is ever acceptable, but I also don’t think an otherwise good marriage of many years should be destroyed by a one night stand that meant nothing to him, and he told her about it the next day. Five months later, they are divorced, and he still wants to work it out.
I suggested a good counselor and she agreed to call her.
Every man she meets will have to pay for the mistake that her husband made if she does not find some peace and understanding with her situation.
She promised to call me in three months. When she walked out my door I thought about that song “Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars.”
I hope she finds a way her heal her wounds.
OK, on a lighter note, the man I interviewed last week who said he wanted “a month or two” to think about joining Perfectly Matched came back today.
He read what I wrote about him on Donna’s Daily Diary about his finance score being a “3” and that he would rather keep the money in the bank but his money could not keep him warm at night.
He said “At first that ticked me off, but the more I thought about it, and the interview, and the ladies you talked to me about, the more I thought I would like to do this.”
I apologized for ticking him off and he was quick to point out that my gut feeling (I said I did not think he would be back) was WRONG this time.
He is mid 50’s, divorced, educated, self employed, grown children, and his long term goal is marriage. He said something I love to hear “I loved being married.” The first few times I heard someone say that I used to think “Then why are you divorced?” But I was married for 22 years and most of those years were happy. We married very young, I was 19, he was 21, and just grew apart. That is very often the situation with people who say “I loved being married.”
He is active but he does not want to being running the up the Incline or checking his caloric intake on a daily basis.
He said “I love good food and I love to eat. I also love to cook.” He also enjoys light hiking, cross country skiing, theaters, concerts, and traveling. He is not all that interested in traveling outside the country anymore. Santa Fe, San Diego, San Francisco, Scottsdale, are some favorite places.
He said “Please make sure she has a sense of humor, I love to laugh.” I also love a lady who is a classy dresser, and likes to wear skirts and dresses. And I love SMART, someone who can carry on an interesting, fun, stimulating conversation.”
I said “You love a lot things; being married, good food, cooking, laughing, a lady who is a classy dresser, is smart, and can carry on a interesting, fun and conversation.”
He said “You got it….oh, and beautiful.” Of course, beautiful, let’s not forget beautiful. I like his wish list, and hope I can make it all come true!
To be continued………