My first appointment on Friday is the lady who had to cancel the first time because her garage door was frozen and the second time because her car wouldn’t start. She is early 40’s, divorced twice, smart, funny, very pretty, financially secure and humbled by her second divorce. She said “I feel so stupid for being divorced two times. I was sure my second husband was my soul mate and confident in my decision to marry him. I don’t know how I can ever trust my own feelings again.” Long story short, they had what she thought was the perfect relationship until they married. She said “We dated for two years, we lived together for a year before we married and on our HONEYMOON I knew something was different, not right.” The way she perceived it was after they married, he changed. I said “My guess is that he did not change at all. He simply allowed you to see him as he always was, but until you were married, the part of him he never allowed you to see.” She said “Nobody could keep up that pretense for three years!” I said “Oh yes they can, and much longer, if necessary.” It is amazing to me how many times I have heard her story in my 23 years of matchmaking. From men and women, from teenagers to people in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s AND 80’s. From sweet, naïve, gullible people to smart, dynamic, savvy people. From low intellect to high intellect. From rich to poor. From average looking to gorgeous. Being fooled my someone intent on making you believe they are who they aren’t, knows no boundaries. Even worse are the ones who don’t consciously do it, it just comes naturally. If you think it cannot happen to you, think again. She said “How can you help me avoid that kind of man?” I said “That kind of man will not go to a dating service where I am going to check his ID and be involved as a third party before and after each match.” It is tricky enough to fool one person, never mind, two..especially a matchmaker.” I also know everyone’s relationship history. I asked her what his relationship history was before her and she said “I don’t want to tell you.” I said “Then let me guess…at least two or three divorces, several relationships that lasted years and every woman he was with was a user, a loser, a lunatic, a liar, a cheater and a bitch.” She said “Do you know who we are talking about?” I said “NO! I just know your story.” Any time someone I am interviewing talks badly about every person they have ever had a relationship with, at some point I look at them and say “and what is the one common denominator in all those relationships?….YOU!” It is very important to know what a person’s relationship history has been before you came into their life. Start with:
1) How long has it been since you have been in a serious relationship?
2) How long did that relationship last and who chose to end it?
3) And before that relationship any other long term relationships? How long did it last and who chose to end it?
4) And before that?
5) And before that?…until they complete their relationship history.
If she had this information before she married him, she would never have married him. She forgot to ask and somehow the subject never came up. I asked “Did you have a renup?” She said “No, and there were so many red flags I kick myself every time I think about it.” Financially, everything has been worked out, but, emotionally, she does not know if she can ever trust again. What kind of price do you put on that? Hopefully, I can help her find the right man who deserves her trust.
I took the rest of Friday and Saturday off to go out of town for my birthday and now I am back just in time for tomorrow’s storm. Tomorrow, the 8th, is actually my birthday, and I will be 64 years old! I keep hearing the Beatles song in my head “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m 64!” My girlfriends give me a hard time for being so open about my age but if anyone had ever told me what I would be like at 64 I would have said “cool”…and it’s only a number.
To be continued……………………………….