January 15, 2011

My first appointment today is a man, mid 40’s, divorced, educated, a military officer, has kids, and his long term goal is marriage. He is tall, fit, active, and ready to start dating again. He has taken his time and feels he is now emotionally available to start looking for the lady he hopes to spend the rest of his life with. He said “Obviously, I have not done a very good job of finding the right person and I decided to let a professional help me.” He has somewhat traditional scores, being a “7” in religion, but he is a “4” in conformity and very open minded. He is also very open on his preferences. He is totally open on height, race, educational and income level. He said “The most important quality I look for is loyalty. I want someone who is loyal because she can count on me to be 100% loyal.” He is also open to having another child. That surprised me because he is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as for as his kids being on their own. He said “I love kids and if I met a lady who wanted a child I would certainly consider that as a possibility.” He will probably be ending his military career soon and he is looking forward to what he will do next. He bought a new home and the prospect of not having to move again feels real good to him. He has read some of my daily diaries, which also surprised me, and he assured me he was going to follow my direction, keep to the rules, and do whatever he can to help me help him. This is a man who has a lot of love to give and he has every confidence that if he can find the right lady they will happily and comfortably grow together and grow old together. He said “I am so impressed with the ladies whose information you have shared with me. They sound like great, quality, compatible ladies.” He has the attitude that this is going to work for him and, if you think it is, it is. He will be very easy to match and I appreciate his positive attitude. I always tell people one of the first steps towards finding the right person is believing they exist, and he does.

My second appointment is a lady, late 40’s, divorced, grown children, self employed and her long term goal is marriage. She has been divorced more than once but her long term goal is marriage. She said “I cannot imagine being in love with someone and not wanting to marry him.” Her scores are traditional and living with someone without being married is not an option. She said “Most of my friends who are single or divorced do not want to be married again but I want to call the man I love my husband, not my boyfriend, or my significant other.” She met the last man she dated online and he was perfect for the first two months then he started pressuring her to be intimate. She got to see his true colors when she refused and he was not nice about it. She said “What bothers me the most is I was starting to think he might be “the one” and I was so wrong I do not think I can trust my own judgment anymore.” She is smart and funny and sweet and attractive and financially secure and stable. She has almost convinced herself that maybe a good looking man is not so important as a good man. I said “Why not find both in the same man?” She laughed and said “really, you think that’s possible?” I said “Of course it is, you just haven’t met the right man.” I’m telling you, good looking people don’t have it any easier than the rest of us. It’s not about looks, it’s about finding the right person.

Dating 101….even if you did cheat on your ex, do not share that information with someone you are meeting for the first time. He has no way of knowing that the reason her marriage ended was because her ex cheated on her. This is not the first time this has happened, which is why I am mentioning it. You would think it would common sense to not share that kind of information with someone you are wanting to impress. It screams two things, a)I have no idea how inappropriate it is to share this information with you, and b) I have no idea how inappropriate it is to share this information with you. I do try to make sure someone is emotionally available before offering them membership but occasionally I discover that, in spite of their assurances to me that they are emotionally available, as I match them I discover they still have some work to do. I called him with her feedback and told him based on their conversation she thinks he still has feelings for his ex wife. There was a long silence and he said “I knew that was a mistake and after we parted I was kicking myself.” At the top of my list of “Do’s and Don’ts is, Do NOT talk about past relationships in the first meeting. He said “I guess I should read your list of Do’s and Don’ts.” Good idea.

To be continued……………….